Photoshop Stuff

Here's some stuff that's been building up for a while. You can tell me how bad it is now. :P

A Dictionary to Understanding Pop Evangelicals

Saw this on a message board, and couldn't resist passing it along...

BROTHERLY BANALITIES

Share—Christians do not tell. They share. They do not criticize, give, testify, talk, or harangue. They share.

Share Together—As contrasted with sharing by yourself.

Partake—What sharees do when sharers are sharing something.

One-on-One relationship—As opposed to two-on-two relationships, three-on-three relationships, etc. (And who said basketball never contributed anything substantial to Christianity?)

Give Us Your Testimony—And be sure to leave in all the rotten, sordid details.

Share What’s on Your Heart—Unless, of course, it’s heartburn.

Heartwarming—One degree below hemtburn.

Grieved in My Heart—You tick me off.

Losing the Victory—As compared to winning the defeat.

Praise the Lord—A person’s true spirituality can be quickly ascertained by counting the number of times per day he or she uses this phrase. 400 + = Saint; 300–400 = Graduate of the School of Praise; 200–300 = Vibrant Christian; 50–200 = Lukewarm; Under 50 = Backslider.

Vibrant Christian—See Praise the Lord.

That’s Beautiful—May be substituted for Praise the Lord, provided the sharer is grinning in a mellow, nonjudgmental way at the sharee. Scores same as Praise the Lord.

When I Was in the World—O’boy. Now we get to the good part of the testimony

Love of the Lord—What you love someone with when the pastor tells you to turn to the stranger on your left and tell them, “I love you.”

PULPIT PLATITUDES

Heart and Life—The average pastor will use this term often during the average Sermon.

The World in Which We Live—As contrasted with the world in which television’s alien Mork lives.

The Lord Said to Me—I had a feeling. (Also a good phrase to beef up a poorly prepared sermon. If they won’t listen to you, maybe they’ll listen to God.)

Today’s World—Those of you living in tomorrow’s world may be excused.

Lift Up in Prayer to the Throne of Grace—You eight guys here in the front lift George up, and you four over there…

Lay Hold Of—What you do to the Throne of Grace while lifting someone up in prayer.

Deep Truths—Up till now I’ve just been dishing up shallow truths.

Burdened with the Cares of This World—Fed up.

Burning on My Heart—My doctor told me never to eat pizza before I preach.

Amen?—Preacher’s wake-’em-up phrase, usually followed by dull silence from congregation.

I Said ‘AMEN?’—Proper homiletical follow-up for above phrase. Executed while leaning over pulpit, hand cupped to ear.

Touch People’s Lives (and Hearts)—Then get out as soon as possible.

Outreach—What we have when we are trying to touch people’s lives (and hearts).

Extend the Right Hand of Fellowship—The world in which we live calls it “shaking hands.”

Dear Lord God and Precious Heavenly Father—Public prayers must be thus prefaced or they will be sent to the wrong address.

Declare His Word—Shout your doctrine

Plugged into the Spirit—How did the church ever manage to talk about spiritual power before the discovery of electricity?

At the Present Time—Or were you wanting to know about the future?

The Bottom Line—What do you mean the church is too finance-conscious?

EVANGELISTIC EPITHETS

Accept Jesus into Your Heart—Okay, if you won’t give him your heart, he’ll just have to come in and get it.

Open Heart—What you must have before Jesus can come in. Bring your own scalpel.

Get to Know God Personally—Just drop by anytime.

PROMOTIONAL PUFFERY

Internationally–Known Evangelist (Singer)—He preached (sang) in Tijuana once, and his mother lives in Toronto.

Vital Message of the Hour—We will be delivering 24 of these each day, 168 each week, 8,736 per year…

Multi-Media Production—Two-projector slide show.

Scriptural Keys for Living—Pat formulas to help you obtain success, abundance, and prosperity.

Dynamic—It is against the law to run any kind of church or evangelistic ad without using this term at least twice.

Exciting, Excited—Almost every ad for a Christian book, ministry, movie, magazine, church, evangelist, minister, teacher, or project must contain the phrase “It’s Exciting” or “I’m Excited.” That’s protection against a dull image.

Food, Fun, and Fellowship—It is believed the Apostle Paul invented this phrase, and it has been used in church bulletins ever since.

Time of Fellowship—A period of stiff socializing following a worship service.

The Public Is Invited—If they aren’t, why bother to print this announcement

Come Together—As opposed to coming apart

!—Main form of punctuation for dynamic, exciting Christian acts and books.

MOTIVATIONAL MIASMAS

Catch the Vision—Get with the program, Jack.

Trust That…—I hope to God you’ll be sensible enough to…

Join with Us in…—See Catch the Vision.

Build Your Faith—Assert yourself to the proper level of enthusiasm. (And all this time you thought God parceled out the faith.)

Let’s Believe Together for…—What you do after you’ve built your faith.

Dear Friend—Radio preacher talk for “People I’ve never seen or met, but who are potential donors.”

Opportunity to Have a Part—What a radio preacher is giving you when he asks for an offering.

As the Lord Leads—As your guilt becomes unbearable. (Usually precedes a “sacrificial” offering.)

We Encourage (Challenge) You to…—See Catch the Vision and As the Lord Leads.

Rise to the Challenge—Perhaps we could take care of this while we’re lifting things to the Throne of Grace. (See also Catch the Vision.)

Further the Ministry—Keep this thing afloat.

Love Offering—As opposed to a Hate Dffering. The proceeds are usually the same, but a love offering is used to Further the Ministry, while a hate offering Is used to say, “The further this ministry gets away from us, the better.”

Let Us Work Together to…—Why don’t you…

And so, dear friends, let us work together in our day-to-day lives to abolish the bromides which daily burden us. Not only these we have mentioned, but others, such as: “Total Commitment,” “Come Expecting a Miracle,” “Moving in a Powerful Way,” and “Growing in the Lord.” The concepts, dear friends, are dynamic and exciting, but in terms of the vital message of the hour, the hackneyed phrases we use will no longer touch people’s lives (and hearts) in the world in which we live. I trust you will lay hold of the deep truths which I have shared, a message that has been burning on my heart. As the Lord leads, let us rise to the challenge declared in his Word. Let’s build our faith and believe together that it can be done. Praise the Lord! I don’t know about you, but I’m excited about the dynamic opportunities of outreach in today’s world, and the bottom line is that we’ve got to start using some new platitudes. That’s art exciting challenge, amen? I said, ‘AMEN?’